Longing
by Blurayne
Summary: John's feelings about Sherlock's death.


**_This is my first Sherlock fic so forgive me for any OCCness. _**

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_Come to me in my dreams, and then_

_By day I shall be well again!_

_For so the night will more than pay_

_The hopeless longing of the day._

_Come, as thou cam'st a thousand times,_

_A messenger from radiant climes,_

_And smile on thy new world, and be_

_As kind to others as to me!_

_Or, as thou never cam'st in sooth,_

_Come now, and let me dream it truth,_

_And part my hair, and kiss my brow,_

_And say, My love why sufferest thou?_

_Come to me in my dreams, and then_

_By day I shall be well again!_

_For so the night will more than pay_

_The hopeless longing of the day._

_-Matthew Arnold_

**Longing**

Did it hurt? Did you cry out when your head smashed into the concrete below? Did your heart shatter into thousands of pieces? This is what I think about laying in your bed staring up at the pale white ceiling. You don't mind do you? That I sleep in your bed? It's the only way I can still feel you here. It's how I keep my sanity. If I bury my head in your pillow long enough I can still smell the remnants of you. I never cry on your pillow, I save that for my room; I don't want you to be angry with me. Did you think of me when you fell? I think of nothing but you. I dream of nothing but you. I should have told you before but I didn't know until you were gone. You knew didn't you? Could you tell from my eyes or the tone of my voice or was it harder than that? Did you have to steal my clothes to tell? Was that why you left me? So I could have a normal life.

We could've made it work, we defy all logic we could have defied that as well. I'll never tell you, I'll pretend that I don't need anything more than our friendship if you defy one more thing for me. If you defy death for me I will make sure that nothing changes between us. I will continue going out with women I don't love and you will pretend you are ignorant of my feelings because that's how we work. I'm lost without you. I can't breathe if you're not here next to me; all I hear is your voice, all I see is your curly mass of black hair, your icy blue eyes masking your emotions, those perfect bow-shaped lips, your gangly long limbs, that's all I see every day. I'm empty without you. You made me whole again and now you're gone. You were the missing piece, the only one who could wake me up from the spell of self-pity I was caught in. Would you be upset if I joined you?

_Yes _I can hear your voice reverberate in my head when I ask you that question. It's the only one you answer. Even now you're still protecting me or you still haven't figured me out yet. It drives you mad doesn't it that I, John Watson-the seemingly straight-forward military man, can surprise you so greatly? You surprise me to. I never know what goes on inside your head. I can't fathom how you cannot sleep for days and never eat. Yet, I love you because of it, no matter how much you irritate me I love you, every aspect of you. Is that why you jumped because you loved me to? Was that too much to handle?

Love. They all thought you couldn't feel emotions but I know you did. You felt emotion more than any of us didn't you? You were so hurt when she died that's why I let you sulk for days because I knew how keenly you felt emotion. Why didn't you let me come with you? You're always leaving me behind. I spend more time catching up to you then I do anything else. Always ahead of everyone else, always pulsing with energy-that's you. Why couldn't you just wait for me for once? I'm always following you but I can't follow you now. It's alright Sherlock I know you didn't lie to me. No one can ever get me to believe otherwise. I saw behind your mask, I know who you are better than anyone. It still wasn't enough though. Did you try to tell me before? Did you know that this would happen all along or was it as unexpected to you as it was to me? I'm stupid Sherlock I don't know the answers to any of these questions. I need you to come back and tell me.

I need you to giggle with me at crime scenes and smile at me like I'm important. Can you do that for me Sherlock? After everything I've done for you can you just give me that? I let you keep toes in the fridge and experiments on the kitchen table. I let you destroy all my relationships. I let you make me someone worthy of your attention. You were my life Sherlock. I don't know how to move on and go back to functioning. You were the thing that defined me I don't know who I am without you. Jesus, Sherlock do you understand that? You took my heart when you jumped and now I'm just laying here in your bed, surrounded by your clothing, desperately wishing you would walk back in here and say something sarcastic again. I just wished I could have had the courage to kiss you just once, and then you would have known that I love you and I'll go to my grave loving you.

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**_Thanks so much for reading! Please review and comment it means the world to me. _**

**_~Bluerayne_**


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